THE BIG O!

Wave, volcano, avalanche - scientists have discovered that there are three orgasmic varieties on erotic offer for us gals. But who cares what type of orgasm it is, as long as you’re having some.

The female orgasm is more of a mystery than the continued career success of Donald Trump. But new in-depth research (literally) has just discovered that there are three orgasmic varieties on erotic offer for us gals - a 'wave', a 'volcano' or an ‘avalanche’.  James Pfaus, professor of neuroscience at Prague’s Charles University explains that the names refer to pelvic floor movements during the build-up to orgasm and the release. Apparently, when the female volunteers climaxed, special sensors on their Blue-tooth connected vibrators predominantly showed one of three muscle patterns - wave like undulations along the lower pelvic floor, an avalanche of contractions from the higher pelvic floor or a volcano eruption of exploding tension.

Orgasms are a lot like oxygen – no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

For the study, 54 women were instructed to self-stimulate and then turn the vibrator off for two minutes after reaching orgasm. This exercise was then repeated over several days in their own homes, which must rate as the best homework assignment ever. (I wonder if, by trial’s conclusion, the volunteers needed terry towelling sweatbands on their wrists? Honestly, these gals must now have the most exercised right hands in human history. I doubt there’s been digital action like this since Proust wrote all seven volumes, longhand. Perhaps an unexpected upside was wearing off their fingerprints, meaning they can now also commit the perfect crime?)

Anyway, to conclude this Kama Sutra For One experience, the volunteers were also asked to perform a control test in which they inserted the vibrator but did not stimulate themselves. Data was then analysed to reveal that nearly 50 per cent (26) enjoyed 'wave' orgasms, while 17 relished 'avalanches' and 11 delighted in 'volcanoes’.

Now, I hate to peeve the Prof, but I think I speak for most females when I say, who cares what type of orgasm it is, as long as you’re having some. Orgasms are a lot like oxygen – no big deal unless you’re not getting any. And sadly many women are not. According to Harvard Professor Elizabeth Lloyd’s analysis of 33 studies on sexuality, three quarters of females don’t achieve regular vaginal orgasm. Women are also only having one orgasm for every three racked up by blokes. As if unequal pay isn’t infuriating enough, females are also suffering a pleasure gap.

And don’t believe the myth that it’s more difficult for women to orgasm. The Kinsey Institute reports that the average time it takes females to climax during masturbation is the same as it takes fellas, about four minutes.

The only women achieving the same orgasm rate as men, are lesbians. Well, it is only a slip of the tongue. <(The Broad’s Prayer - Give us this day our daily head.>) Clearly this is because women do not think that the clitoris is a beach in Crete and appreciate its function as the only part of human anatomy that exists purely for pleasure. Women also understand that it’s impossible to have academy-award winning orgasms without an erotic warmup. There’s so much emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay? Some blokes can fake a whole damn relationship!

And yet, while research reveals that the average woman requires at least ten minutes of foreplay, most heterosexual encounters last between three and seven minutes. You don’t have to be Einstein to work out that this amatory calculation just can’t add up. I do all my own research in a detailed, scientific fashion – over cocktails with girlfriends - and what I’ve gleaned is that if a husband does attempt a little half-hearted foreplay, he invariably prods away at the clitoris as though it’s an elevator button and he’s running late for a meeting. It is then a woman is tempted to sigh, “Oh, just take the stairs.”

Without doubt, husbands and wives approach sex differently. What blokes call a ‘quickie’, most women would dismiss as premature ejaculation. Do you know the difference between a husband and a toy boy?  About three hours.

I would also include housework as a top foreplay technique. Husbands sometimes suggest their wives should initiate sex now and again and perhaps even swap positions occasionally. I suggest you reply, “Sure, let’s swap positions … You stand by the sink washing up and I’ll lie on the couch drinking wine and watching telly.”

Men should understand that the best ways to please a woman are stacking the dishwasher and not snoring. Our biggest sex fantasy in the bedroom involves discovering that our male partners have picked their underpants up off the floor. A man in a cooking apron is also very aphrodisiacal. What do most mums want in bed? Breakfast.

<Working mums go off sex because they’re exhausted. If men did more housework wives would have energy for other things. Oh the orgasmic joy of being made love to by a man who has just vacuumed your entire house!>

But it’s important to keep having sex because it’s good for your memory…Sorry, what was I saying again? But seriously, forget ginseng tablets and fish oil capsules, scientists maintain that people who have regular orgasms score on average two percentage points higher on cognitive tasks, including visual and verbal fluency.

Plus it’s such fun. Sex in a long term relationship is like when it slips your mind that you’ve put your windscreen wipers on intermittent. You’ve forgotten all about it and then – whoosh! So, why not do some in-depth research of your own to work out if you’re a wave, avalanche or volcano kind of gal. Put in enough dedicated practise with a proficient partner and you’ll soon be having orgasms so strong that when you cry out, he won’t be sure whether it’s an orgasm or demonic possession. Should he share a post-coital cigarette or call an exorcist?

In short, men need to get better in bed. Which is in their interest; if a woman is happy in bed, she’s going to want to spend a hell of a lot more time in it. And it will be oh, OH! OHHHH! What a feeling!